flax seeds, well they tear me open
& supposedly you could crawl right through me
taste these teeth please
& undress me from these sweaters better hurry. 

plane//mraz gets me all highwrung. the same feeling ive been feeling for some time now. maybe because its end may. & things happen end may. people happen. good morning jigglepore ! & fold your blanket for goodness sakes. last night i fell asleep on the wrong end of the bed i think. because thats how i woke, unless UNLESS i slept right, then i spiralled in a dynamoish dream, the thought of which is simply too dangerous to entertain. i am very thankful my house does not have cctvs. BAKCHORMEE hahah. okay okay learn : self entertainment is no entertainment.

CHEEKACHUH POMMPUHDEE BOO. ive been all around the world in a new sensation. well, alot of travelling has been on. tofrotofro going places, no social graces just fallen laces. i need a holiday. anybody who has a magic bus OR carpet i will join you immediately. we can go jodphur & free birds ! orrr, we could just fly. & peel off bits of cloud, making them s'mores by nearing the sun. then we'll drink tequila sunrise & if we're lucky, even milk from the cow over the moon. have i mentioned ?  i really need a holiday. & i dont mean a temporary period of rest. i need a long term excuse.
EXCUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUSE, this long.
oh dear my ramble shmamble is getting slightly tipsy STOP RIGHT NOW thankyouverymuch.

last night daisy & beans went to THECANDYEMPIRE. sweet. i think we got lost in the place for about an hour. just looking at, sweets. & chocolates. & chips. & alotALOT of other things. it was excitement, ecstacy &THEN EXTREME SADNESS from shoppers limit. or rather, paupers limit. still we got out a bagful sweeter. when it leaves you agrinning for hours after you know its a good thing alright. i want to be its emperor. or is it empress. either one as long as i can take anything i want. anytime i like. i have a secret pest spray in my bag that i will NOT HESITATE to use against anyone at all who irritates me okay i say first. SO DONT MESS. truth is, its edible so you wont die lah please.

then we went to eat at groove nation. & i was so full that i could not laugh properly. so when she said something totally dumbass i wanted to die. like all the food in me was saying DONT LAUGH ! cos you know, you contract your stomach muscles when you do, & it was impossible to ! that was how full i was. luckily the tissue paper fell into the hot bowl. & then OVER THE HEDGE ! which is a damnnnnnn happy show please go & watch it omg hammy is like, c-laaaa-ss--ic. did i mention ? we subconciously walked to the counter to get a large popcorn & a drink EVEN BEFORE buying tickets. omg, she is a dumb blonde. anyway she was all for throwing popcorn in my face to lighten the load. thanks, pop. WE ATE CHEEZELS ORIGINAL. like, THE CHEEZELS. it was very VERY good. you feel so, mmmhappy after that. authentic glee. & dijon mustard & honey chips. & wonka's whipple scrumptious caramel delight. & chocolate over turkish delight bar. & an entire bag of special desiree (its a brand) waffelmischung. time to give our throats some lovin' so what else do we do but traipse down to the green place for chilling, comfort surfing & a ventiful blend of raspberry & mango. starbucks people are nice. speaking of which, lil daisy's a coffeemaster (: do you know how pro that is. THAT IS.

i owe her a massage. but she owes me one now, my left arm is aching from winning her in arm wrestle. whoever squats to arm wrestle. mad girl. so after a roll of mad pictures & singing. its come to this. happy rastafari birthday desireechoo (: cause you're lookin' so good in your Starbuck's cup.

you might regret what you let slip away, like the geek in the pink.

we are one, tonight !
& we're singing it out !
we are one, tonight !
& we're dreaming out loud !

okay this song just blasted me up. plus an absolutely ridiculously early call from jessica. IT IS TEN THIRTY I WAS UP SINCE NINE THIRTY. you know blasphemy ? NO YOU DONT. THIS IS, OKAY. maaaan, the horror the horror. anyway i stared at the sunlight for like 3 minutes, or 5. ive been waking up in dimness since forever. & i realised that IVE NOT BEEN MISSING OUT ON ANYTHING REALLY. okay i take that back, lah. i miss it. NOT WAKING UP BUSTER EARLY, just. okay let me try to phrase this right. i miss liking the sting of sun on my skin as i trained, as we trained. i miss liking these things. now even hip hop is indoors, & you perspire not of the outdoor scorch, but of exhaustion. its different, i guess. ANYWAY the sun is mellowing as i type, so clearly its time for a change in toothpick.

as most readers would have known by now, my mum is a very unique character. she smses me even when im home. & one night when i came back late, & showered, & was snug in bed already, i received an sms : ' where are you ' i didnt know how to reply, really. i thought of shocking ways, like replying ' in the police station ' & hiding behind the wall watching her wake the whole household up, or ' BOO ' then surprising her in the middle of the night in her face. both would probably have had me jailed at home so i did a trick by stealth. i walked out of my room, went to the toilet, & washed my hands & coughed two times. then i walked past her room & hummed a tune & went back to my room. now i think sending ' on my way back ' could have been easier. mutthhers. anyway today morning was no different. ( theres a morning msg everyday ) it read ' time can be dreamed away. is sleep your master ?' DONT LAUGH ITS WISE WORDS OKAY. but hmmm, the way she says things really intrigues me. the last time i told her a white lie she said 'DONT TRY YOUR CUNNING ON ME, I AM THE MASTER OF CUNNING.' we all know her favourite word no, yes. so it comes as no surprise that when i msged her a sweet mums day msg i got this back ' YOU & YOUR NONSENSE. ' you cant say i havent tried, man.

conversation between 18 & 12 year old.

him : do you like anybody ?
me : no.
him : does anybody liiiike youuuu ?
me : nahhh, im a loner, you know. LONELY PERSON.
him : seeeeriously ?
-inspects my FACE.
him : buuuuut you never know whos gonna liiike youu, you know.

lets slow the evening down, slow it down, please slow it down.

the rain can be such a, wet blanket. no worse time to pour than ten minutes before a tuition session when you're no where near her house. pissing pissashaet. i really dont like using umbrellas in the rain, i dont mind like, i dont know, dancing in the sun with them, keeping them unused in my bag, dry. but not on rainy stressful days flurried by a rush hour. seriously i have no idea why cloud nine is a term of positivity, i dont like those things, silence me now.

today i finally realised why so many people like watching korean shows. THEY ARE DAMN SAD, DRAMATICALLLY. OMG PLEASE GO & WATCH YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE, IT IS TRAGIC TIMES ONE HUNDRED. you feel this, this, surge of infinite pity & sorrow flopping around inside & you just want to die. but BUT. you dont want to die yet cos COS you want to soak in cathartic release. okay i sound totally moronic but its true ! sometimes you feel so sad that your sad chamber pours out everything there is so you come out of it feeling heartened, & awashed with confidence again. ive had it before. you turn on your grossest playlist & think of how pathetic your life is. like, how you are the epitome of murphys law & how you have nobody in your life who cares enough to send you a hamper of vcds & fruits when youre leaking with flu in bed. how nothing is right, & how youve nothing left. how you will indefinitely wake up the next day looking like elephant turd & put rudolph to shame. that is like, pre emptive nightmare. cos after so much depressive shit it cant get any worse so you can just sleep in peace thereafter. i am not drunk or whatsoever okay i am just being talkative nightly. & i really like keira knightley.

updating has always been at the back of my mind, but see thats just the problem. its at the back so everytime i log on my comp i just address whats at the forefront. am i making sense. well, yes, i hope. i want to drink java chip prepared by someone who is currently equally grumpish as i am. i lost her french books & the guy hasnt called to say theyve found it. call, damn it, call. as im typing, a group of adult people are making alot of noise outside. they are discussing how crispy their prata is going to be, & what flavour they are going to try. i feel like throwing qtips at them. set the ends with mini balls of fire & they are infernal spears ready to go. no need to discuss how crispy lor, you'll know later really. ridiculous. now i hear laughter, probably imagining how funny the prataman's accent will be. it is too late for jokes they should keep quiet. or i will throw cards at them. joker cards. i am better than gambit, or copperfield. have you heard, i can make a toothpick vanish. LIKE SERIOUSLY VANISH.

that night i was out with yash & we froze to life in our secret icebox. no one else knows where it is cos we keep it secret. we watched dangerous acrobat performances under the purple velvet sky & ogled at pretty boys & handsome girls. we surveyed the night streets of someplace very, very, foreign. & we spooked ourselves out with agoraphobic thoughts. she is a total epitome of halal fun. getting high just without the alcohol (: HIGH.

we'll both forget the breeze, most of the time.
because of this i have been having bad dreams, not nightmares, just bad dreams. of, things. i dont want to remember anything anymore. i want to be unoriginal & pretend im dandy gay. so you have to promise one more thing. you'll have to promise not to keep your word. cos only then, will i be convinced that in the first place, it was always unintended. & we were both looking for separate playgrounds to swing around in, someplace finally too dark, cos it was too late. it always was.
& so it is, just like you said, it would be.

there are days that make you feel young & blissful. there are nights that make you smile cheshire in the still of the pitch. i need both cases to hit me soon. today was unjustified. do you know how bad that sounds ? i didnt even celebrate ben & jerry's day. thats, depressing already.

save tonight.

can you smell it ?
this, wretched maladorous whiff about me.
its called death.
& i hang by, for two nights now. i hang & i bleed from the thorns im holding onto.
& its time, they all say, to move, to travel, to vacate.
can you get it ?
this, selfish, indignant fierceness pushing me.
its called life.
& this time round, im taking it in my own hands, colouring, while i do, the bed red.

i write that, chewing on a fat sultana & feeling almost mentally challenged. because i tried to read the papers & it convinced me i am simply not inclined to read anything else unless its written by me. yes i am in a filthy mood, the kind that will not be sorry even if i spilled coffee down your shirt.

speaking of that, i am smiling already.
yesterday i was out with my old girlfriend. while waiting for me at beans she spilled hot chocolate all over herself, & ended up looking & smelling like chocolate. not that i minded, i always welcome chocolate. so there i was, a grump, she a frump, & two rumps lunching over pasta, soup, bread & cheese mousse. later we went to catch the wild. a very impulsive decision really, but because it was tuesday, & on tuesdays you remember two people who gave us magic like dublin mudslide & chunky monkey, we went into the theatre armed with a large barrel of popcorn, & two mini pints of b&js. the show was, retarded. we still laughed because on the charts of humour, there comes a point when unfunny becomes really really funny. that was it. like, the pink panther, when overdone unfunniness became really really hilarious stuff for stitches, yes thats it.

the frump developed a solid craving for strawberries so we went to look for berries only to find them extremely unattractive. in the end, we bought apples. the reddest & fattest we could find. & crunching is therapeutic, for awhile. till, it was time for tuition. no one likes giving, no one likes taking. it is basically a sad picture altogether plus the extreme inaccessibility of it all is such a turn off. thankfully the frump lives near my kid, so it was all pretty alright, the long & winding road.

after work was done, the rumps met again, this time by the poolside, munching on oreos & pocky & sucking on childhood popsicles. (: talk talk, talk. of, funerals, weddings, & pigs. the last i remember was jumping over the wall & landing quite comfortably in the front seat of a yellow top. thats a heck of an end, or rather, a start to a day. it was one.

& this one is certainly an interesting story,
it starts with an ending,
& we're both characters in a play,
on the same stage, but on a different page.

escapist//brandston