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| more than just physical; deeper than spiritual |
| 05.29.05 (5:15 pm) [edit] |
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do you know what it feels like living alone ? with nary a soul in sight. its so strange that im beginning to miss michael. & when i miss my brother, that speaks alot. hes all the way in pahang & though say he did that it was going to be a leadership gig i have an itching gut hes rollicking in malaysian gastronomy. if he returns like a balloon i will actually cry. out of sadness fer myself not being to enjoy all that he has, & okay, maybe mostly out of hardcore laughter. this move is taking alot; time, effort, sleep. its not normal anymore when i dream of tutsi rebels ravaging my sofa & behind me prodding fiercely is a dad instructing me to bring him the sofa. then i remember cycling away, but the father wouldnt stop prodding, so i woke up & there he stood at my bedside, jabbing my weakest link & asking me to stop being a pig & shift furniture. time check seven am. then after all this interruption they'll happily drive to the new place, while i remain here, cos of training & my other committals.
i borrowed chicago & how to lose a guy in 10 days from the school library. v exciting innit. then i came back & i happily ensconced myself in the hall, with the vcds & a coupla snacks, realised that i dont have a tv. A LITTLE PROBLEM THERE. so i am terribly deprived. the mother woke me this morning to tell me that, on wednesday you'll be sleeping on the floor because tmr we're gonna dismantle the beds. not funny, i am gonna ache like crazy. i hear school high jump pits are comfy, maybe i shall high jump from my window & plop there fer the night.
j thinks ginger ice cream is fab HAHAH. we have good taste so g, keep quiet. ginger&lychee double scoop is v v yummy, as in really. dont like laugh & then secretly go & try it, come on, admit my taste is impeccable.
i like sundaes. hot dark sweetness & the final tinge of guilt only at the very end.
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| then you wouldnt have to say; that you love me |
| 05.21.05 (7:05 am) [edit] |
seriously where did all that come from, i definitely was a wrecked vampire while i typed those. & it shall remain to remind myself of a surely-repeated folly- blogging late night after training. these days have been very trying. phone's gone, still. & its very frustrating, they really do piss me off with their assertive intents, adults. or more specifically, parents. yesterday kevin was just singing [i]fathers be good to your daughters..so mothers be good to your daughters too[/i]. see see everyone should listen to john mayer he speaks the truth. clearly parents listen to like slade, [i]lock up your daughters right now
it will give you a smile on your face[/i]. shen jing bing. anyway point returning, be good & give me back my phone damnit.
yesterday was the end of a grotesque & distasteful week. & im thankful that friday ended well, albeit a fairly morose morning & afternoon. night was resolving, & twas finally settling & comfortable. ive felt too detached this week (due to lack of phone), only source of comfort at night had been jooose. so last night it all came back, & im good, im good again, complete but will be more complete with phone. (i realise everything links to the phone issue, it really affects me you see)
training today, [i]mad [/i]in a word. coach is, unstoppable & irrepressible in his fired desires fer climactic trainings. enough said. what was after holds more excitement. aft training we were extremely famished, so glenda & i, we stood outside the mrt station & wolfed down a whole hokkaido dome. team sizzlered. marvy. (: happy birthday yayeng ! love love. thanks vice captain who sponsored our stomachs. team is filled with insane people like dior jing & tammy who will roll over the floor around the buffet table for one dollar. later clara glen & i walked around & v sad, no money to buy stuff. oh then we bought ice cream from wild hibiscus, v happy. i got ginger glenda got elderflowers sorbet. v nice you know, ice cream is happy food, like yan yan, & walnut cheese, which i always go & look at in the supermarkets & lust over sadly. one wedge costs like twenty dollars okay, very expensive indulgence.
i like plain, wholemeal sandwiches, nothing comes between.
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| where can you run to escape from yourself |
| 05.18.05 (8:11 am) [edit] |
[i]where are you & im so sorry
i cannot sleep, i cannot dream tonight
i need somebody & always
this sick strange darkness
comes creeping on so haunting every time
& as i stared i counted
the webs from all the spiders
catching things & eating their insides
like indecision to call you
& hear your voice of treason
will you come home & stop this pain tonight
stop this pain tonight.[/i]
my playlist is making aches out of holes.
aiyah, so this is how it feels to be without a phone. the, sensation of being able to contact & be contacted. gf let me hold her phone during break today but it wasnt the same. no, matrix wallpaper, no, prego screen saver. no, not the same. mean folks took it cos bill arrived. & apparently total amount exceeded the ideal figure. aiyah, so this is how it feels. v silly actually i know, but im still deeply mournful. ayyyyy bring back my phonie to me. okay keep quiet i cant even think straight, my brain is v hot i think its because of the sun just now & the moon now eh is the moon hot oh yah i just remembered it is v cool. on wallace & gromit he could take the cheese so it must be cold i remember him having a scarf round his neck, means its cold up there. oh i like cheese, at compass point gf & i bought walnut & cranberry cheese bread which had v little cheese, one small dollop, off centre somemore we had to bite & chew fer quite long right glenda. we were complaining about lack of cheese while our mates were being lectured to. i dont like being lectured or being told or hinted to that something might be a bait. or something might be unworthy of a priority weighted. maybe if i were twelve i wouldnt have so much to think but then again id have psle then it would be quite scary. like the guy who asked judith fer the time just now after dinner where glen & i saw her. after grocery shopping on the way back i thought of somebody & i thought i felt vibration i thought someone was calling then i remembered that my phone was not with me, i had no phone. then i just sat, cold & wet by macritchie, in the freezing bus. i remember thinking four words. wouldnt it be nice. & no it wasnt bout cadbury. i think i shall go & hug jooose my sheep & have a mini slumber party, but no cotton candy because he really gets offended sometimes. i neglected him today i shall make amends.
wow, my fingers have a life of their own.
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| got a four leaf clover; an angel over my shoulder |
| 05.14.05 (7:47 pm) [edit] |
its just got fierce, the, competition. & im proud of us. cos this is how it goes, & this is how it'll take us all the way. so keep things up, take the heat higher. its another two months to glory. our doubles, continue pushing; you're getting there, surely, steadily. our singles, we gotta keep at it, outstrip ourselves, outdo the one before us. keen as it is, we'll pull ahead. i just know this. lets go girls.
havent been able to update more regularly because of this whole moving frenzy. adding to that i say, new place is impressive. will shift come vesaks, & then i cant wake up at seven no more. tragic innit. how come i hear more laughter than sighs. my circle of very sympathetic friends, i see. other than that, all else is pretty fly. my wart is restoring into my skin, & i can walk run fly now. oh my flu & sore throat is getting better. speedy recovery from abstinence from desserts & chocolate, monitored closely & stressingly by j, who claims to have alot more antibodies than i do. thanks fer keeping me in check bugger. (:
let the rain fall down, im coming clean.
because
if it rains, i'll have an excuse to stay,
fer a while,
a lil longer,
till later,
or,
forever [i]actually[/i].
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| our dreams, they are made out of real things |
| 05.06.05 (4:56 pm) [edit] |
proudly i re-affirm my existence.
i ceased fer the past 3 days & they only made me stronger. so after hardest words & softest deepest cuts, im back, im back with promptitude;
life goes on, only better & more promising. thought about how i always got dominated by dreams to win the little trophies & gleaming medals.
then i realise after all these arent the things i wish i were winning. but diddly, i wont go there. lets not got there, its been too long, too much, too far. & this is just about enough.
i doubt i sound vaguely relevant but its okay, give the mind some time to acclimatise to the more resolute.
saturday morning & the sun woke me, bloody ball of fire. an hour to go before macritchie; unsure as to whether i should test my wart in the water. we'll see. my stomach aches.
oh those who follow the big move, house is now barer than before. point to note i guess she noticed my displeasure with lack of food so she got quite a stash of eats. im contented, though the chocolate is cappuccino, so i cant eat that. the last time i had some iced cappuccuno i didnt sleep the whole night. twas terrible.
then i pried deeper into the inner compartment; & found sth very very exciting. [u]see's famous oldtime candies[/u]. its this white box laced with gold ribbon, donning this golden medallion. assorted dark & milk chocolates. randomly out of 1. euphoria 2. shock i took one & omg, [i]almond, caramel, dark chocolate [/i]all fused into a cube. think i looked delirious. its from the US cos dad just returned. i suspect there are more surprises hidden inside but being very disciplined, i closed the box, closed the compartment, & closed the fridge.
very thrilling, such morning experiences, i like.
[i]cruise.[/i]
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| game of love was all rained out; so come on baby |
| 05.03.05 (5:08 am) [edit] |
you know i never thought id feel, scared, of pain till today; when i saw the parer & the canister of liquid nitrogen at -196 degrees celsius. then i lay there, hand grasped tautly 'round glen's arm, grimacing & hurting like a kid as the freezing, burning blasts of acid cut into the bloody wart. before the shots the nurse flashed a parer, nothing unlike a fruit knife, & said, hi im going to pare you. she dug & scraped away at the wart till it flattened, it was damn freaking painful i didnt even look at what she was doing lest i faint. then when she was done, i turned to it & the stupid damn wound was spewing blood. then she said, i hope that didnt hurt, the real pain will be when the liquid nitrogen is sprayed. so go figure. then after close to six excruciatingly fierce shots she plastered my wart & said, i'll see you for a second spray session. if its not better, i'll (dig this, really) shave it off, & burn off the roots. i think my heart just plopped flat. & i forgot to breathe maybe. so it was a big fat eighty buckos for pain. that place scares me, & i need to go back there, my life is tragic, help. wart in the world, lah.
on another note, this is hugely important. let me do a coupla shout-outs.
[b]g-[/b]: thank you, thank you. fer bring b'side the operating table with me today. & fer sharing happy food, chocolate loackers, almond dark chocolate, savoury yong tau fu. i love you. to us, theresa tan & the chinese communist party. you're snoozed, darling. (:
[b]j-[/b]: thank yooo. fer yer, graphical ways. & spirit. & the msg got through, cos she held it fer you, so thank you. theres no other way, to better say. ooo. (:
yash the cranky ol' lady is totally sympathetic to my ache.
[b]+811 says:[/b]
[i]my my, you're like those fogey old man who's had one too many shots of vodka[/i]
[b]*æ; that will bring us back to - says:[/b]
[i]no yash its not funny[/i]
[b]+811 says:[/b]
[i]i tell you, you shouldnt eat so much of those veggies
[b][/i]*æ; that will bring us back to - says:[/b]
[i]its got nothing to do with my diet, the wart.[/i]
[b]+811 says:[/b]
[i]im convince it has. hahah[/i]
[b]*æ; that will bring us back to - says:[/b]
[i]yash youre just, jealous.[/i]
caring friends, i have, really.
yash i so have to tickle yer knee & watch you launch into a full-fledged macarena. TWERP.
kit kat, give them both a break. -nods at g.
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